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Snapperz

HI, I HAVE BOOBIES.
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Paying My Dues

10 min read
After a couple Ativan, I must confront things I've been neglecting... I also don't know how to write one of these anymore.

I miss DeviantArt. I really do. I miss my drive to do better, to post more, to provide feedback where I could, to strive for recognition... I feel I owe some acknowledgement to those of you who are still here. I'm not dead. I've just been reevaluating my priorities, trying to determine how I'll achieve my next goal. Sadly, I don't believe DA plays a part in that anymore. I need a wider scope. Do blogs still exist? Do any of you still blog? A public journal has always been my most crucial mental health tool and above all, that is what I took away from DA. I feel like maintaining my online presence is just as important as working on my real life presence, and I've been lacking in both departments. 

The last six months has been hard for me, physically and mentally. It took awhile for me to get the blood work done, but I found out my blood iron was at 17% of what it was supposed to be, which explained a lot of things, why I was so sore and tired after doing menial tasks, why my fingernails were so fragile. I had my daily iron dose increased to 2 pills a day because the last test showed my iron was up, but only to about 50%. They tested for a few other conditions, but those came back negative, thankfully. I have been avoiding a pap test because I don't feel comfortable with my current doctor and I also don't want to deal with the results right before I move. As for my mental health, I've been mostly self-medicating my anxiety and depression -- I finally got my ass to the doc and explained that I don't want to go on SSRIs again (have been on-and-off with sketchy results). He gave me Ativan to take as needed and when my panic attacks get bad, it actually seems to help. 

One of my main causes of stress has been these two parking tickets that I got parked front of MY OWN BUILDING, because my "guaranteed spot" at the back wasn't there when I got off work at 3am. First, I tried to bring them in to city hall and have them annulled, and they gave me a free parking pass for my street, but said they couldn't annul the existing tickets even though I brought in proof of my residency. I tried to get the new landlord (who I've never met, since the building changed hands without telling any of the tenants) to pay for the tickets, and he said he couldn't. We are trying to get a deal on our damage deposit, like a refund for a parking space we never got to use. Realistically, I should have paid the tix when they were cheap, but now they $80 sitting on my fridge and my record and I feel like none of it is my fault. Everyone in the building parked out front for MONTHS before they started ticketing out there, with no warning. This whole situation has been a blow to my self-esteem because it's one of the few times I've found the strength to stand up for myself and I've been told I have no legal argument. I will at some point, have to crawl into city hall, tail tucked between my legs and fork over $80 in assorted change (because I hear from my neighbour they love it when you do that). 

On the bright side, we WILL be moving to Vancouver on Oct 15. Notice given in to work for the 1st. I'm terrified and thrilled to begin that new chapter. There's tons I gotta do before then. We're going to be selling almost everything and moving as minimalist as possible, using just my car and a UHaul. We are moving into a shared 5-bedroom home near the PNE. I'm stoked to meet the new family -- they have a dog just like Freya who I imagine she'll fall in love with. They also have 2 cats which I'm going to have to ensure Freya doesn't eat. 

Current Vancouver plan is to get set-up with a part-time dealing gig at the Edgewater downtown (we just have to call to book our interviews) and focus primarily on my screenwriting. I have a low-budget indie horror that I'm trying to make myself, starring my dog. So I imagine a lot of time will be spent on training; I'm also interested in getting her involved in agility courses. Hopefully I can consult with a trainer who specialises in training acting dogs as well. I also need to get my vet, docs, dentists, all set up... hopefully it's easier to do in Van than it is here. I'd like to begin therapy as well, but I don't know how to go about that. I expect we'll be living a low-rent low-privacy existence for a few months, while we all save up some money. My current roommate, who is coming with us, owes me quite a lot of money for rent; his work situation hasn't been ideal for awhile and he has a lot of tuition debts to pay. Fortunately, rent will be much lower at the new house and as long as he can get a job quickly, he can start paying me back. My bf also has a lot of adulting shit to deal with -- figuring out what tax he owes the government, working out a plan for it (he believes he's going to be penalized heavily for the last casino audit, when people were told not to claim all their tips). I'm also trying to encourage him to get his GED and start on his driver's license before he gets too busy with work. I think I've been understanding of his situation -- having been raised by alcoholics who allowed him to drop out of school and then proceeded to take his money that he earned working full time afterwards -- the most important thing for him is getting out of this toxic town. I see his potential and I want him to make the most of it in a real city, where so many doors can open, if you want them to. Both he and I need to work on our self confidence, drive, and ambition. 

There is a real life to be lived out there. We just have to find it. 

Updates for my film THE WALL OF SOULS can be viewed on its official website! www.thewallofsoulsfilm.com/

Want to end this on a big Freya update, because who doesn't love puppers!

The pics are a couple months old, but the video (if you click the twitter link) is pretty recent.

Yup, Freya has turned the big 1 year old and has turned out to be quite a big doggo, but a tiny wolf. Pretty much all I can ask for. 
She's incredibly mellow and obedient around the house, when we're there. Crate trained when we're not. She hasn't eaten anything too valuable lately. She did recently cost me $200 in vet bills, when she ate an Advil off the floor and we figured it would be better safe than sorry, even though she wasn't showing any symptoms of kidney damage. Dog has an iron stomach and is way healthier than me apparently. 

Have been doing a lot of research on wolfdogs (which I probably should have done BEFORE getting her) and someone asked how training Freya is different than training a regular dog, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. I imagine had Freya been pure dog, she would been way more manageable as a pup. We had to use a lot of physical corrections with her to make it clear that WE are in charge -- I can mark the point where she learned this as when she stopped sleeping by door and started sleeping in her designated "places". It was sooo difficult to housebreak her, but eventually it clicked by about 7 months. Freya now rarely has accidents, and they're usually our fault, missing her "signals" and she looks guilty every time. I've heard of other wolfdog owners having problems with aggression, possessiveness, protectiveness, etc, but I think we nipped those problems in the bud before they could present themselves. We joke that Freya is the omega. She loves to play rough with us and dogs her own size, but cowers at anyone larger, usually Shepherds. Her favorite hobby is hunting moths that get into the house. It's the only thing we let her kill, though I'm sure she'd love a tasty duck. I can never tell if she's a genius or an idiot, because her favorite game is to intentionally drop her ball behind the furniture, so she has to figure out a way to get it back. She also like to play soccer with a ball, with a toy in her mouth, so she's forced to use her paws to knock the ball around. I don't know if these are normal dog games. 

We have a very regimented schedule of walks, park time, and feeding. Feeding is usually done by hand or by puzzle toy when I need to distract her for awhile. We're always looking to expand on her list of tricks -- though I have gotten lazy about certain basic obedience tricks, which I'll need to master for her to succeed as an acting dog. Freya responds to "right here" on her e collar, off-leash, but I have no real on-leash heel command because I always forget to use "break" as my release word, and I usually let her go by letting more leash out and saying "go pee?" When it's time to walk again, I say "let's go". On her prong, it's a given, she must always walk at my side and we sit at crosswalks. I am working on her "leaving it" when she sees interesting garbage, plants, and other animals, but that's a tough one I'll probably have to focus on with the eCollar. I imagine there will be a lot of eCollar work done when it comes to socializing with the cats; our trainer gave us a few tips. The cats are what I'm most nervous about. I'm also thinking about getting a clicker to see if it will help me with my trick training. I believe she has a lot of potential as an acting dog, but I will need to put 100% into training routine before she's ready for her big gig. 


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Dsc5569 by Snapperz

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Do you ever feel like you just hate almost everyone you know? Or at least feel like you have no time/opportunity to chat to the people you actually want to. The people who interest me and I actually respect have busy lives of their own, and no time or drive to socialize. I miss DA because it used to be a safe place. However, I learned that my dad was snooping around on my page and read the short story I wrote about Snowball, so that means nothing is safe anymore. :slow: So that's only dissuaded me from using one of my main social outlets. But I can't be a shut-in forever. 

Wondering who's still alive around here. 

I've been busy with life. Celebrated my secret anniversary with the bf. We still aren't allowed friends because of work, and the friends we used to hang out with drive me fucking crazy. He's playing a new MMO called Black Desert, so he's got his own second life thing going on right now. It doesn't bother me as much when I'm gaming too, but I only really play in between writing projects. 

Dsc5334 by Snapperz

I am mostly canine-centric, which is not necessarily a bad thing, since dogs are more tolerable than humans right now. Freya is 7 months old now; she was spayed last month and is doing well. Much calmer, crate trained, very rarely has accidents. She has a huge repertoire of tricks too -- sit, paw, other paw, high five, turn, "look", play dead (bang!), roll over, lie down (though we're re-training it according to the trainer because she doesn't seem to know the command yet, just the gesture). We teaching heel, place, stay, sitting at doors and crosswalks, and a very exciting one (for the sake of my poor pillows), leave it. Also working on recall, which she isn't bad at. I walk her for an hour in the morning and the bf and I take her to the dog park every day in the afternoon. 

I've also been cooking.

Cordon Bleu by Snapperz  Chicken Cordon Bleu

A lot.

Shrimp Rolls by Snapperz Shrimp rolls with peanut sauce.

A LOT. 

Poached Miso by Snapperz Poached Salmon and Miso.

I MEAN A LOT. 

Benny by Snapperz  Eggs Benny with Prosciutto. 

Even dessert. :drool:

Banana Bread by Snapperz Chocolate Chip Banana Bread. 


Yum -- but I also hate anything that makes me feel remotely domestic so :shakefish:. Also it is impossible to cook meals this nice AND stay on a budget. It's more expensive to make these meals to get take-out. :( Not to mention time consuming. And everything goes bad if you aren't on schedule.  

Some advancements in the film career thing. 

THE WALL OF SOULS is now a film in post-production. You can like the Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/thewallofsoul…

I also recently had my short film "MY SECRET FRIEND" accepted into the Canada International Film Festival, which I'm not sure it quite as impressive as it sounds, since I can't track down anyone who's actually been to it. But it's cool; I had assumed I'd already received the last of my rejections. All 18 of them. Never give up, kids. I don't know if I'm going to go to Vancouver to attend the festival yet, but it's in April.

I also just finished writing my first feature of the new year -- SMOKE. It's a J-horror style supernatural film. Ghost story x psychological thriller. I still haven't figured out a good logline for it that doesn't give away the ending. It's kind of a twist, but I wrote it so it's strongly established through the script and doesn't come out of nowhere. So it might be obvious. I don't know. I hate twist endings if they aren't set up thoroughly. It's also kind of big budget in places, but I think it's more commercial than my other scripts, so I would like to try to find a home for it. We'll see. I'm too poor to enter contests. Script contests are as good as playing the lottery. 

So I'll probably start gaming again. I finished Fallout 4 and Beyond: Two Souls. I'm either going to replay Beyond chronologically or find something new to download. I tried to get a Pokemon randomizer to work for the longest time, finally got White 2 to work, but couldn't make it past the 3rd gym in a Nuzlocke, so I got sick of it. :lmao: 

Have been reading during my breaks at work. In the last few months, I've read Orange is the New Black, Never Let Me Go, almost done Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar (she is like my spirit animal... scarily so :S ), possibly another one I'm forgetting. It's not quite the rate of reading I used to do, but it's a regular schedule I'm comfortable with, and keeps me from awkwardly sitting and forcing conversation with coworkers 15 min out of every hour.

I have a couple of coworker friends, but A) no one I can trust with my secret relationship because that shit CANNOT circulate at work (we saw the explosive drama that resulted from someone else living  -- as roommates with not even dating -- with a coworker and making it public at work and it was not pretty) and B) they are primarily 40-something year old men disappointed that they're too old to bang me. :| 

Work itself makes me generally apathetic. I'm dealing a lot of Texas Hold Em right now, legit poker, which I'm not very good at, because they could only afford to hold a 3 day course and they are THAT desperate, and I'm the only one who took the course who is ACTUALLY dealing right now. I am mostly learning from the players and that isn't a good thing. :slow: At the end of the day, I could put the effort in to improve myself, but I'd much rather focus my efforts on my ACTUAL career. Dealing is just a job. 

So I can't wait to move basically. But that might take a year. 

Health-wise, I've probably been doing better than normal (physically, mentally I'll take a raincheck), since moving into my new place and keeping it CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN for the dog. I do need to find a doctor soon though because been going on three years using only walk-ins and that shit is not right. There are just ZERO doctors taking patients where I live though. They all go to work on the coast. 

Anywho. How's life for you bitches? 
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Bit of a funk this week. Work is exhausting me and I'm barely working at all, to be honest. Have been taking EO (Early Out) left and right because there's no customers in the winter and miraculously I'm still making money. I thought I was in the red, but collected some rent from the roomie (the one I'm not sleeping with), paid off my visa, and I'm back to where I started before my extravagant expenses (dog and dog-related things, furniture, PS4). This can probably be  explained by the fact that I have no social life outside of bf because I can't stand anyone else in town and have nothing in common with anyone. :| I have also slacked off in the online department; I haven't actually taken my laptop out of the drawer in three days. 

So right now, my days are wake up around 1 or 2pm (or as long as the dog lets my sleep; luckily, she's pretty good at letting me have my 7-8 hours now). Take her out, prep her food for the day, feed her, MAYBE eat or shower, but usually end up cleaning and doing dishes until it's time to take Freya out again. It's important to maintain a clean house otherwise Freya will get into everything when we're gone. I play fetch with her while I'm doing all that if I can. If I get lucky and squeeze in a shower, then I'll take Freya for a long afternoon walk. Get back in, eat BREAKFAST at like 4pm, get Freya's frozen Kong ready and start puppy proofing the house (putting any shit away that she'll likely get into). Might get a couple hours to chill with the bf in the meantime or, if we have to, go out and do errands but we hate doing that on workdays, since that means leaving the pup longer.

So around 5, Freya will have her second meal and her final outing before work, and we hope and pray she takes a dump or sometimes I have to take her out one quick final time. Hopefully by then I've showered and done my makeup. Then around 6 or 7 we prep the house (music, frozen Kong, etc) and off to work. Any day but Fri/Sat is okay, because roomie will be home around 9-11, but Fri/Sat is stressful because we have to count on one of us getting EO or the house risks being in shambles. Usually, I'm home by 1 unless I have to stay all night. 

After taking care of the mutt, I've been playing Fallout 4 until my eyes fall out at 6am, so that's where I've been. After I get tired of Fallout, I'll probably do edits or start on a new script, but my life seems to alternate between gaming and writing right now.

THE WALL OF SOULS is being prepped for filming right now; the big actor dropped out, but everyone is happy with that, since he was trying to impose too many of his ideas anyway. Finding it difficult to get excited, though it's definitely going to happen. I can only hope the producer has thought about distribution/festivals. Was hoping to "make it" by early next year, either by acquiring an agent through this movie or by selling the other script I finished, but I'm not so sure. Sent the other one off to a couple people, but think I said something wrong to the one guy because he stopped responding my emails and haven't heard from the company I pitched the project to yet (they were positive about the pitch, so I was hoping it would be a priority to read). I won't quit my day job yet, though I wish I could. Tough to be positive about writing these days, though I still have a lot of ideas I want to work on.  
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Quick update on Freya who is now almost four and a half months old! 

She is well-behaved during the day, has ALMOST stopped having accidents in the house (though she still uses pee pads), knows Sit, Shake a paw, Lie Down, and Roll over, and is getting used to spending time alone. I can occasionally leave the room and she won't follow me. However... 

On a typical work night, the bf and I will be gone by 6-7pm or so. Most nights, our roommate will be home by 9 or 10. Initially, we crated Freya during our time away, but decided she was better off having a room to herself for that long considering she will howl the entire time she's in her crate and she's getting big. I leave her with a frozen Kong full of soft food, all her toys, and a water dish full of ice cubes so she can't just slurp it all down at once. 

Anyway, we put in a baby gate to block off the stairs. 

That worked really well. 

2015-12-05 23.55.45 by Snapperz

2015-12-05 23.55.55 by Snapperz

2015-12-05 23.55.25 by Snapperz

Last night, Freya had her first accident free night, until the roommate got home, left her alone for a moment, and she devoured his work shoe. 

Tonight, I came home to this:

2015-12-12 00.32.06 by Snapperz

She really enjoyed the new pee pads I bought for her. So much that she got them out of the bag. 

On the plus side, I didn't find any shit anywhere. 

2015-12-12 00.31.03 by Snapperz

She also loved Madame Bovary as much as I did. This concerns me because I just finished reading it, put it on the shelf, not on the bottom, and also IN BETWEEN BOOKS on the rack, and she didn't disturb any of the other ones. So she is specifically targeting objects that smell like me.

I can put away everything I don't want her to destroy -- jackets I'm not wearing, books, etc. but then I worry she'll turn to the furniture, which she's luckily left untouched. She has impressive vertical already so it's virtually impossible to block off any room and I'm worried if I enclose her in a new empty room she will dig through the wall or door. :|  

Here's a bonus pic: 

2015-11-23 12.10.31 by Snapperz

RIP hat pompom. 
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New Things

4 min read
Here's a switch from my last journal!

Moved into a new townhouse about a month ago with MG and his best friend. Here's what the main area looks like: 

2015-11-14 17.18.36 by Snapperz
 2015-11-14 17.18.25 by Snapperz

Then I had a week off this last week, so naturally when it was good time to catch up on some well-needed rest, I got puppy fever and went and scooped up my new girl Freya. I was originally looking at getting a shelter dog, but at the local shelter there were literally zero dogs to adopt. So I was going to look at a husky in Vernon (about 2 hours away), when I saw a Kijiji ad for German Shepard X Husky puppies, and since those are my two favorite breeds, I HAD to stop by. Of course I couldn't leave without one of them once I got there.

She's three months old, and in additional to the shepard/husky, she also has some wolf in her. So she's fucking gigantic already. We already had to swap out the crate you see in one of the photos because she was too big for it. I swear she's already gotten bigger in the last week.   

She's very clever and I plan on attempting to train her to do all sorts of things. She picked up sit very quickly and can jump on and off the bed with the help of a stool and one day, we even caught her opening the front door (so we have to lock it for her :lol: ). She was afraid of all of us her first day here, but she napped with me and promptly became a momma's girl. She listens to the BF better than me sometimes; I think she responds better to males. She follows me around everywhere though. We're trying to slowly get her used to being alone so she doesn't throw a massive fit when we go back to work on Thursday, but I'm still nervous about that; we've put on a recorder while we're out and sometimes she yowls like a banshee. Most of the time, she's very quiet though. She only seems to bark at other GSDs. Yesterday, there was a cat in the alley that GROWLED at her and Freya was the one whining and cowering away. She's such a big mean guard dog. :lol:   

House breaking is a nightmare. We were good about catching her poops early and teaching her to do them outside; she generally does it within five minutes of being outside. Peeing though! We had to put down puppy pads for her and now she's used to them, so I'll walk her for an hour and a half, she'll have her poo, then WAIT and pee the moment we get in, no matter how long we walk for. And she's 30 pounds already so it's kind of tough to lift her up midstream. :no: If anyone has some brilliant ideas, be my guest. I tried crating her right after a walk and she immediately took a whiz right in her crate, contrary to what's I've read online, so that's kind of out of the question. She'll usually whine and I'll get ready, but by the time I have my shoes on, she'll have already done it on the pad or floor. Hrmph. 

Here are pics of the little hellion: 

2015-11-13 13.33.10 by Snapperz
2015-11-14 17.19.49 by Snapperz


Also, because I've been on a spending binge, I bought a PS4 (Uncharted Edition) and have already played through Until Dawn and the first Uncharted. 

Tuesday, I'm getting some touchups done on my sleeve to darken up some patchy spots. 

Thursday, it'll be dentist appointment and then back to work. Next week, I'll be learning how to deal poker as well which is kind of nerve wracking. Usually it's a two week course but they're condensing it into three days because management has problems right now. So yay! :bounce: 
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