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Submitted on
March 22, 2011
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Pilot: SNUFF by Snapperz Pilot: SNUFF by Snapperz

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My TV Pilot and latest major project. Stealing would make me a sad monkey.

It is actually based on the first novel I ever wrote when I was 12. That novel was a giant turd, but I am happy I was able to turn it into this.

It's a family drama/satire (and my family drama, I don't mean you're meant to watch it with Mom and Pop) set in vaguely dystopian Los Angeles and would probably only be suitable on Showtime or HBO (less likely) or mayyyybe AMC (would have to tone the language down in places and make it shorter).

Think Six Feet Under meets Weeds meets A Clockwork Orange meets American Psycho.

I would loooove feedback. Tell me if it's funny or not funny, as I need it to be funny enough to counteract the transgressive content -- Appealing to a wide television audience, you know.

Heck, just reading it would make me love you.
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SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011   Writer
Will be reading this once I crawl out of all these papers I have to do. :dummy:
Snapperz Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011   Writer
Yayayayayaya. :iconhoorayplz:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2011
OHHHHHH DUMBDUMB moment, for some reason I didn't glean that Lyle was part of their family. Hurrrr. Anywho

3. Act 2! All is well now as far as flow goes. Getting to know the kids is good. As far as Lyle goes, I think it would be better if someone was really offended with him. Like "this is why we can't have nice things." The mom is a good candidate for this role. Like if her jaw hit the floor when her kid asked him to bear his wounds. xD

But yes. I obviously have opinions on the content, as the content sort of begs it. Their random family strife seems to dominate too much in the last two acts. I liked the premise and the way things were flowing, but that it just turned into a festival of awkward moments didn't do it for me. I know a lot of tv shows like to do this, but eh, it doesn't speak to me personally. Also not a fan of the necrophilia thing. I liked that it served a plot point in the end, but it was weird and more awkward than anything. Also reasons to watch a second episode, the necro-blackmail was really the only thing. Trents not-friendship with Lily was cute, and Lyle's psychotic nature could go somewhere, but at that point, its hard to tell where. Ya know? D:

So don't hate me if I totally speak my mind. I tell you my thoughts without sugar coat cuz I care! I want you to do gooooood!!
Snapperz Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011   Writer
Hmm, that is tough since my aim is for the main conflict of the show to come from the family relationships. I know it isn't there yet, but I want to make the show relate-able and grounded by showing the mundane family problem plot lines and giving them equal screen-time. Raegen's should always be the A-plot, but I need the tension of A) Oh, Megan probable wants to kill herself, what will the family think?, B) Richie is probably killing himself by being vain, C) Fran has unresolved romantic issues with Raegen, D) Trent is just a cute, comedic plot right now... Anyway, I need to make all of that mundane family stuff be the thing that keeps people coming back IN ADDITION to the shocking cliffhanger thing. So idk. It's hard. It probably means rearranging the acts a bit or something.

Snuff films are technically porn so it is kind of unrealistic to have necrophilia not be a part of it. :/ I want Lyle to be the "Oh, he's cool and actually knows what he's talking about compared to these other repressed people even though he's sort of extreme about it, but I sort of like him," and then shock people with the necrophilia thing and sort of beg of them, "Do you still like him now?" Point is, I want him to start out really sympathetic and by the end, I need him to be a character you love to hate.

(Also, as a side note, I know necro is still pushing it, but they get away with showing some CRAZY exploitative/violent sex stuff on cable TV nowadays, which is sort of what I'm satirizing -- or trying to.) It's like, if I can get necro put on air, then I am absolutely right about this world being a maybe-thing to come. If I can't, then I'm wrong (or the script sucks).

Anyway, thanks much!! :hug: I really appreciate being to chat about these issues with you guys, even if you aren't script-readers. (And really, who is on here? There are literally no screenplays in the screenplay section, last I checked. It's all prose or some reason.)
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011
They're good plot points when you say them plainly like that, about the other family members. So it might be the way the info is introduced, yeah. Maybe crank their obsessions up to 11, like have Fran have a Reagan Shrine under her bed. o__o I don't know, I wish I had the answer for you. xD

When I think of a good family strife drama, honestly I think about ye olde cancelled Kyle XY. I think I liked the strife in that show because I cared about the family members. When I saw them screw up I was like "omgnooooo". It's hard to explain. So I'll stop trying now. ._.

And back to necrophilia, I kinda LIKED Lyle the Photographer guy, so I had this like happy go lucky dude in my mind and didn't really picture him as Norman Bates Lecter Morgan (insert psycho man montage here). So it kinda caught me off guard. I just figured him to be kind of like, weird and morbid, but not crossing the line to un-palatable grossness. :o So maybe you succeeded. It just caught me off guard and I felt like sort of an idiot for being tricked by him. Maybe some hints of his weirdness (other than his normal weirdness) are needed. Like why he ran off? Maybe he screwed a goat and wore its head as a mask while having incestual rape scenes or something? o___o

And about crazy unreasonable sex on tv, I refer to the UK tv show Misfits. It pretty much took Wrong by the horns and rode it to never-neverland. And yet without the horrible awkward moments in that show, it wouldn't be the same! It just took some getting used to.

And scripts are hard. I have to admit tho the UK Being Human posted one on their site and I read it, and it was SOOOO good (I'm GRRR that they took it out of the show!! But it was kind of not with the continuity :( ) I got the gumption to give script reading a for reals try. And yours was easy to read and I had a clear pic of what was happening. It was actually really good. I wish I had more solid advice, all I have is my vague wishy washy opinions, but I hope they help.
zathraya Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2011  Student General Artist
I really liked this alot.:thumbsup: It's new it's fresh it's controversial.

BUT... Okay I'm just going to say it flat out, this wouldn't go well in America. First this is not a family show. You've touched on the taboo: suicide, sex, and drugs. Because of these this would only reach the adult audience and even then it would be difficult to find someone who will fully accept dark humor such as this, in the targeted culture of this.

Violence, gore, drugs, people tend to avoid these here.... at least the middle aged people do (not all of them). I'm thinking if you really wanted to give it a shot Starz shows some controversial shows but I don't think it's gone this dark.

Don't get me wrong, I loved it! But I'm considered a little twisted at times when it comes to humor. I'm sort of the little liberal, accepting of (or considering) others ideas, oddball of the extended family. :/
Snapperz Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011   Writer
lololol I hope you didn't think when I said it's a "family drama" that it was intended to be watched with mom and pop. I only meant that the primary source of tension and conflict should arise as result of the family relationships (not sure if that's clear yet...) I know it definitely isn't clear yet, but I want the moral of the show to sort of be, they need to realise that as long as there's family in a world this fucked up, then there's still hope.

No, it is definitely a cable show -- and fortunately in cable world, if I can get 4 million viewers (as opposed to 14 mil on say, a popular FOX show like House in its "good" seasons) then it's considered successful. I think True Blood only gets 6 mil viewers a week and that's considered wildly popular. I'm hoping I can make the show enjoyable and attractive IN SPITE of its transgressive content -- with humour and mundane family drama plot lines like marital problems and school problems, to highlight that it is really a satire of our current world. I'm probably not there yet with the humour because frankly, I don't think I'm very comedic as a writer. :/ But I'm trying. Maybe I need to hire someone to punch up my jokes.

Thanks so much for the read and feedback. :hug:
zathraya Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011  Student General Artist
:stupidme: Yeaaahhhh my bad.

Yeah I don't know much about popularity with tv and such. :B But I think this would be a really cool show and when it hits off you could tweak a bit of the humor. I wasn't too sure what type of humor you were going for (i.e. dark, violent, light hearted) at times I was confused as to what I should be feeling, maybe that was on purpose. :shrug:

Yeah no problem. Sorry I'm not the best writer. Soooo I don't know what to put in or anything. :/ /FAIL
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2011
YAY! Crits!

1. I don't think there should be a break in reagan and richie's first conversation. the photo taking person broke up their train of quibbling. The photo guy maybe can be consolidated a bit? The big part of the teaser is anne's death, and I think focusing on that is betterrrr. Leave photo guy for the act 1.

2. Act 1. I like it so far! I'm really bad at reading scripts, so the jumps between pov's always throws me. But when the scenes are going on, I can picture it really well. Trent the emo boy and Lily the New Girl though are introduced kind of conspicuously. Wouldn't it be normal if Lily was like "aw shit your arm" or something? D: Or trent covered it up real quick? Then again I'm imagining them as people NOT living in this obviously wacky world that's not ours. So it's all up to you. D:

Anywho, in act1 some of the scenes seem super short. Like Reagan's interview in the past. So short! Maybe if someone in current times were watching it? The scenes in this second chunk of act1 flash by so fast, it seems teaserish. I vote consolidate. But it's hard to picture the pacing in a script. =( But content wise, I love it. Haha @ the interview lady. It proceeds well from there, but I think just alighting that richie tries to kill himself isn't as good as at least showing part of it.

3. act 2!

WELL I'm going to post this much NOW because I have a sneaking suspicion this storm might knock out my power and that would bode very NOT GOOD for this comment. D:
Snapperz Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011   Writer
1. That is probably true. I am generally worried about their conversation being distracting from the point of setting up the world (I had a nice teaser the first draft, but I needed to set up the outside world first for people to buy the snuff film thing). I am also concerned that if I don't introduce Lyle right away, it will take away from the fact that he is A) the main antagonist, B) as relevant a family member as Richie or Raegen, C) remotely connected to the A-plot.

2. That is difficult since Lily is only talking to Trent as a dare (I probably have to show some laughing kids or something to make that clear right away, I realised I didn't). I think she is mostly normal; I need to develop her some more -- not so much in the pilot maybe -- but I think she is a nerdy kid from a conservative family who is just trying to fit in.

Lyle is watching the interview when he is "trying to kill himself" but maybe I should use it more. I'm already sort of pushing it at 64 pages or whatever it is, but I could lengthen things a bit if it would help. I'm a little confused by that last comment, but I assume that was because you didn't realise Lyle was the brother in question (I sort of want that "Omg, Richie tried to kill himself?" confusion at the end of the act, but I also tried to imply Lyle was related by inter-cutting the "family" talk of the interview with his suicide attempt... So it is quite subtle.)

And so I will reply your other comments in the other post. :D Haha. But so far, thank you!
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