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3. Act 2! All is well now as far as flow goes. Getting to know the kids is good. As far as Lyle goes, I think it would be better if someone was really offended with him. Like "this is why we can't have nice things." The mom is a good candidate for this role. Like if her jaw hit the floor when her kid asked him to bear his wounds. xD
But yes. I obviously have opinions on the content, as the content sort of begs it. Their random family strife seems to dominate too much in the last two acts. I liked the premise and the way things were flowing, but that it just turned into a festival of awkward moments didn't do it for me. I know a lot of tv shows like to do this, but eh, it doesn't speak to me personally. Also not a fan of the necrophilia thing. I liked that it served a plot point in the end, but it was weird and more awkward than anything. Also reasons to watch a second episode, the necro-blackmail was really the only thing. Trents not-friendship with Lily was cute, and Lyle's psychotic nature could go somewhere, but at that point, its hard to tell where. Ya know? D:
So don't hate me if I totally speak my mind. I tell you my thoughts without sugar coat cuz I care! I want you to do gooooood!!
Snuff films are technically porn so it is kind of unrealistic to have necrophilia not be a part of it. :/ I want Lyle to be the "Oh, he's cool and actually knows what he's talking about compared to these other repressed people even though he's sort of extreme about it, but I sort of like him," and then shock people with the necrophilia thing and sort of beg of them, "Do you still like him now?" Point is, I want him to start out really sympathetic and by the end, I need him to be a character you love to hate.
(Also, as a side note, I know necro is still pushing it, but they get away with showing some CRAZY exploitative/violent sex stuff on cable TV nowadays, which is sort of what I'm satirizing -- or trying to.) It's like, if I can get necro put on air, then I am absolutely right about this world being a maybe-thing to come. If I can't, then I'm wrong (or the script sucks).
Anyway, thanks much!!
When I think of a good family strife drama, honestly I think about ye olde cancelled Kyle XY. I think I liked the strife in that show because I cared about the family members. When I saw them screw up I was like "omgnooooo". It's hard to explain. So I'll stop trying now. ._.
And back to necrophilia, I kinda LIKED Lyle the Photographer guy, so I had this like happy go lucky dude in my mind and didn't really picture him as Norman Bates Lecter Morgan (insert psycho man montage here). So it kinda caught me off guard. I just figured him to be kind of like, weird and morbid, but not crossing the line to un-palatable grossness.
And about crazy unreasonable sex on tv, I refer to the UK tv show Misfits. It pretty much took Wrong by the horns and rode it to never-neverland. And yet without the horrible awkward moments in that show, it wouldn't be the same! It just took some getting used to.
And scripts are hard. I have to admit tho the UK Being Human posted one on their site and I read it, and it was SOOOO good (I'm GRRR that they took it out of the show!! But it was kind of not with the continuity
BUT... Okay I'm just going to say it flat out, this wouldn't go well in America. First this is not a family show. You've touched on the taboo: suicide, sex, and drugs. Because of these this would only reach the adult audience and even then it would be difficult to find someone who will fully accept dark humor such as this, in the targeted culture of this.
Violence, gore, drugs, people tend to avoid these here.... at least the middle aged people do (not all of them). I'm thinking if you really wanted to give it a shot Starz shows some controversial shows but I don't think it's gone this dark.
Don't get me wrong, I loved it! But I'm considered a little twisted at times when it comes to humor. I'm sort of the little liberal, accepting of (or considering) others ideas, oddball of the extended family. :/
No, it is definitely a cable show -- and fortunately in cable world, if I can get 4 million viewers (as opposed to 14 mil on say, a popular FOX show like House in its "good" seasons) then it's considered successful. I think True Blood only gets 6 mil viewers a week and that's considered wildly popular. I'm hoping I can make the show enjoyable and attractive IN SPITE of its transgressive content -- with humour and mundane family drama plot lines like marital problems and school problems, to highlight that it is really a satire of our current world. I'm probably not there yet with the humour because frankly, I don't think I'm very comedic as a writer. :/ But I'm trying. Maybe I need to hire someone to punch up my jokes.
Thanks so much for the read and feedback.
Yeah I don't know much about popularity with tv and such.
Yeah no problem. Sorry I'm not the best writer. Soooo I don't know what to put in or anything. :/ /FAIL
1. I don't think there should be a break in reagan and richie's first conversation. the photo taking person broke up their train of quibbling. The photo guy maybe can be consolidated a bit? The big part of the teaser is anne's death, and I think focusing on that is betterrrr. Leave photo guy for the act 1.
2. Act 1. I like it so far! I'm really bad at reading scripts, so the jumps between pov's always throws me. But when the scenes are going on, I can picture it really well. Trent the emo boy and Lily the New Girl though are introduced kind of conspicuously. Wouldn't it be normal if Lily was like "aw shit your arm" or something? D: Or trent covered it up real quick? Then again I'm imagining them as people NOT living in this obviously wacky world that's not ours. So it's all up to you. D:
Anywho, in act1 some of the scenes seem super short. Like Reagan's interview in the past. So short! Maybe if someone in current times were watching it? The scenes in this second chunk of act1 flash by so fast, it seems teaserish. I vote consolidate. But it's hard to picture the pacing in a script.
3. act 2!
WELL I'm going to post this much NOW because I have a sneaking suspicion this storm might knock out my power and that would bode very NOT GOOD for this comment. D:
2. That is difficult since Lily is only talking to Trent as a dare (I probably have to show some laughing kids or something to make that clear right away, I realised I didn't). I think she is mostly normal; I need to develop her some more -- not so much in the pilot maybe -- but I think she is a nerdy kid from a conservative family who is just trying to fit in.
Lyle is watching the interview when he is "trying to kill himself" but maybe I should use it more. I'm already sort of pushing it at 64 pages or whatever it is, but I could lengthen things a bit if it would help. I'm a little confused by that last comment, but I assume that was because you didn't realise Lyle was the brother in question (I sort of want that "Omg, Richie tried to kill himself?" confusion at the end of the act, but I also tried to imply Lyle was related by inter-cutting the "family" talk of the interview with his suicide attempt... So it is quite subtle.)
And so I will reply your other comments in the other post.